The First Pivot: Starting the Journey of Pivots & Purpose

The First Pivot: Starting the Journey of Pivots & Purpose

In the still, reflective hours before dawn, when the world lies in quiet contemplation, my thoughts often wander through the intricate tapestry of my past. This journey, interwoven with both shadows and light, transcends a mere chronicle of events. It's an exploration of identity, resilience, and transformation, punctuated by many pivots – some clear, others more enigmatic.

As we embark on this series of Pivots & Purpose together, I wish to share my fears with you. For much of my life, I've lived behind a veil of untruths, concealing my struggles, my successes, and my very essence. Everything seemed inadequate, leading to a life where details and emotions were often suppressed, sometimes even from myself. In revisiting these memories and feelings, I am traversing some of these paths for the first time. Please understand that my recollections may not align perfectly in sequence or detail, but they are my truths as I remember them.

I once viewed embracing my past as a pivotal moment. However, I've come to realize it's an integral part of my identity – a mosaic of experiences that have sculpted the person I am today. I discovered by not embracing it I am cheating myself and others out of the lessons learned and the discoveries. Life is no fairy tale, and acknowledging only the successes in someone's story is to overlook the essence of their being. This realization strikes a particular chord as I approach my birthday, a day others celebrate but which, for me, has long been tinged with a sense of loss. Until the I discovered who my birth mother is in 2021, it was a day marked more by the unknown – a day others imbued with joy, or expected me to enjoy, while I grappled with the absence of a crucial part of my story.

I must also clarify that this narrative is not a quest for sympathy or to evoke specific emotions in you. Your feelings towards my story are your own; they reflect your perspective on my experiences, which may differ from my own emotional journey. I want you to share them, but please don't assign them. This may sound stark, but imposing your emotions onto my life's narrative and expecting me to feel a certain way about it is not something I can embrace.

As we navigate this journey, let us share and understand our feelings, but not impose them. Let us observe without assigning blame. It's easy to speculate about how one might act in another's shoes, but the truth is, until faced with those decisions ourselves, we can never truly know. So, join me in this exploration of a life lived not in the black and white of absolutes, but in the rich, complex hues of lived experience.

I have not spoken to my birth mother about this writing, these are my assumptions and based on the non-identifying information shared with me by Catholic Social Services. I hope to ask her for her story and with her permission share it in the book if I get brave enough.

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